Taelyn's Blankie

Taelyn has somehow become attached to this pink plush blanket. As if sucking her thumb wasn't enough security? She has to have this blankie at all times. I got it as a gift from my baby shower. She is so attached to this blanket, that if it is left at home, we either must go back for it, or it is very short trip. She could be screaming her eyes out and finds the blanket and is immediately calmed down. To make matters worse, I can't find another blanket like this blanket and I'm terrified to find out what will happen if it is ever lost. With me as her mommy, that is very likely. I have lost my own eye glasses on my face.













Taelyn is our "Linus Baby" from the Peanuts. She has the blankie in her left hand, brushing it across her face while her right thumb is in her mouth.








Oh, I forgot to mention, SHE'S WALKING!

"You're Getting On MY Nerves"

Anyone who knows me knows that this is my FAVORITE saying. I say it all day long. I say it so much that it really has ZERO meaning.

My husband gets on my nerves



Taelyn gets on my nerves



My niece Leah gets on my nerves



My mom gets on my nerves



My mom getting older gets on my nerves




Bangs get on my nerves



Tyson and Tony get my nerves



Going to the hospital for ANY reason gets on my nerves



My family gets on my nerves



None of these things get on my nerves, really. I just don't know why I say it, and I say it ALL the time, I say it so much that, "It gets on my nerves!!!"

Birthday Invitations: My Nemesis!

With Taelyn's 1st birthday rapidly approaching, I have been brainstorming what I should do for her party. I don't want to go all out like MTV Super Sweet 16 for her 1st birthday (since she really won't remember it anyway). BUT I want to do something semi-big to celebrate her 1st year of life. Seriously, her life IS BIG to my husband and me, especially looking back at the LONG journey it took us to get her here, alive and healthy.


After talking to some friends about different themes I could do, LaQualia mentioned "Candy Land." What a great idea, I thought. I can do food, activities, decorations and invitations according to the characters of the board game. I have such a broad spectrum of things I can do! Plus Candy Land is a game that all kids know and should enjoy.

1st order of business: INVITATIONS... I Googled Candy Land birthday parties and a lot of things came up. I had a vision of "lollipop" invitations. How hard could making my own invitations be? Usually I would go to a party store and order invitations, I am someone who prides myself on not having a creative bone in my body when it comes to arts and craft type things. I am skilled in many things, but cutting, gluing, scrapbooky things are just not my forte. I'm ok with that. Since having Taelyn, I want to do things for her, I want to keep memories for her, so she will be able to remember what mom has done and what mom was going through to try and be the best mommy for her. (Hence this very blog)





Shaelyn let me use her Cricut to cut the circles and make shapes for the lollipops. Amber so graciously came over and showed me how to use the Cricut. Amber helped in the beginning stages of the construction of the lollipop. We cut a large circle, glued the information on that circle, glued the lollipop sticks to the back of the large circle. We accidentally cut a circle with stitches and she thought it would be a great idea if we weave some ribbon through the stitches. Of course it would look great, but that is more work for me!



Alisia came over and helped me put the ribbon through the stitches and the ribbon circles around the party information. Confession: I am terrified of glue guns. I have burned myself far too many times. Alisia did all of the gluing. Glue dots are my best friends.





The invitations were finally done, so I thought... I wanted to make them look as much like a lollipop as possible, down to the outer wrapper. I had to put the wrapper on and then a ribbon to finish it off. In comes Alisia again to help out. I wrapped, while she added the finishing ribbon. After all of that I thought, DONE... NOT!







I still had to stuff envelops with the invitation and the directions, then address and label them. UGH!!! These invitations have proven to be a whole lot more work than I had originally anticipated. Todd went to get the right sized envelops and I addressed while Marco added my labels and Alisia stuffed. FINALLY the invitations are done and ready to be sent. Now I just need to go to the post office, have them weighed for postage and send them off.






I have learned a lot about myself in this whole process:
1) I have very little patience for tedious tasks.
2) I am great at delegating work.
3) I have AMAZING friends (I knew that already, but this is just proof)
4) I will go above and beyond to do something nice for my daughter, even go out of my comfort zone.
5) I will NEVER do this again! Next year I am "Going Green" and sending a text and Evites.

Happy 57th Birthday Daddy!

Today, February 19th is my dad's birthday. He would have been 57 years old today. He was taken away from us at the young age of 48. He has been gone now for almost 9 years. I miss his everyday. I often think about him with Taelyn and what a wonderful grandfather he would have been. I wonder if he would be proud of me and the decisions I have made and the things that I have accomplished. I just miss my dad.



My dad was a photographer, so I have very little pictures of him because he was always behind the camera. This is the ONLY picture I have of the whole family. (I'm sure my mom has more, but this is the only one I have.)



HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY, I LOVE YOU!

Rituals

Last night I had dinner with some new friends I met at TMOMS. While we were getting to know each other, my past was brought up and questions were asked which was my inspiration for this "Rituals" blog...

As I have stated before I am a cancer survivor. Along with having cancer, I was soon after diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, OCD I had a severe case of this disorder. I felt that with the cancer, the ONLY way God would cure me of it, is if I did these ridiculous rituals. I REALLY felt compelled to do these craziest things. In my mind, I new they were crazy, I knew people looked at me like I was crazy, I WAS crazy!!!! I hated my life, I hated being sick, I hated being poked with all the needles, I HATED being BALD AND I HATED being SKINNY (I know, who would hate that? But seriously I looked like a skeleton, it was disgusting).

I fell under many different categories of the disorder:

1) "Doubter and Sinner" I TRULY believed that if I didn't do certain things, God would punish me and kill me.

2) "Checker" I checked and rechecked everything, from my house door, to my car door, to my wallet in my purse, to my keys, to my phone, I had to make sure I had everything, at least 4 times... 4 was my magic number.

3) "Counters and Arrangers" I counted everything, from the beeps on my alarm clock, I couldn't touch it until it beeped 4 times. I tapped the floor 4 times with my right foot, then my left foot even before getting out of bed. I turned the lights on and off 4 times with my right hand and 4 times with my left. Everything had to be equal, everything I touched with my right hand, I had to touch with my left hand, or I couldn't move on to the next task of my day. I tapped the door knob 4 times with my right and then again with my left, you get the picture. It was like this with EVERYTHING!!!! I had it sooooo bad. It would drive everyone around me bananas. Everything was in order from smallest to tallest, labels facing out. Or everything had to be symmetrical. If I was eating something like chips or M&M, I had to arrange them. With chips, I would sort them out by size and put them in separate piles, with M&M's, I would sort them by color. (Honestly I still do that, baby steps)

4) "Washer and Cleaner" I didn't necessarily have to scrub my hands and body until they were raw, but I needed order around me and everything needed to be clean! My room was immaculate. My closet was in order and everything in my room had a place and a label. Why a label? Who knows, my brush was clearly a brush, but I needed a label to say brush" on the back.

My disorder was so severe that I had to seek medical help because it would take me hours to get out of the house. If I didn't, I would go into full anxiety mode. I would have these crazy attacks where I needed oxygen to breathe or I would just pass out. If I didn't get help, I would have ended up in the psych ward at Patton. I was almost 19 when this started and I was cured through therapy and medication at about age 21 right about the same time I was cured of cancer, coincidence? Maybe.

I was cured of OCD in like February or March of 2002, (I don't quite remember the exact date). Then I was thrown a curve ball and I completely struck out. On May 29, 2002, my dad died. My fears were then transferred to my mother. I started the rituals again and in full force! I felt like if I didn't start the rituals back up, then God would punish me and take away my mom, the way he did with my dad. I was SICK! There was nothing that anyone could do ot tell me to make me feel any different. I really, in my mind and in my heart blamed myself for my dad's death. I didn't want the same thing to happen to my mom. Not if I could help it.

This time around, therapy and medication did not work. I had to seek MANY different therapist and I needed my mom to attend with me and they needed to show me that if I didn't do these specific things, she would be just fine. It took almost 3 years before I could get through my day with minimal rituals. I had to slowly eliminate each ritual. It took time and patients. I wouldn't say that I am completely cured, but I am BETTER. I do occasionally catch myself flickering lights, or organizing things, but I am no longer manic about it, so in my mind, I am on the right path. I don't think I will ever be fully cured of this disorder, I am just in control of it now.

Valentine's Day Gifts

I wanted to post this the other day, but that accident had my mind racing. I was so scatter brained for the past few days. I am better, but I still having a hard time getting it out of my head.

Todd and I usually don't exchange Valentine's Day gifts. This year, we decided to. I am usually a "practical" shopper. I buy things that Todd "NEEDS" I have gotten him tires for his truck, organizers for his office, clothes to replace other things that have holes, that he can't part with.... you get the point. So for this Valentine's, I decided to get him something extremely unexpected. I took some sexy "Boudior" pictures thanks to JessHekmanPhotography. After that shoot, I felt so great about myself and my image :) Taelyn got him some cologne (Armani Code)and some shaving cream (Bath & Body Works). You don't get more practical than that. Taelyn also got him a card. After he opened those, he unwrapped his "Book of Me" As he was opening it, he said he knew what it was... When it was opened, he said "WOW!!! This is NOT what I thought it was." He thought I got him a picture frame with a picture of Taelyn for his office. He was shocked, but he loved it. Mission accomplished.

I opened my presents and guess what? They were practical, but unlike Todd, I like practical. He got me a beautiful picture frame that should take up half the wall to get rid of a painting that I have grown to despise. When I was pregnant and on bed rest, ALL I did was look at this painting, it began looking like so many different things, a race car, a pregnant woman, a roller coaster, blood spatter (too much Dexter) It just was haunting! I hated it and have been wanting to get rid of it forever now!
He also got me a very warm blanket since I am ALWAYS cold. And the best gift of all, a gift certificate to get a massage. That is always the best gift to get me. I LOVE getting a massage. It is my greatest pleasure! We had a great Valentine's Day and the most important part of it was we were together and STILL IN LOVE! <3

Horrifyingly, Unexpected Morning

This morning I woke up at about 5:30 am. I made myself a bowl of oatmeal while I pumped. I enjoy the quiet times in the morning. I cleaned the downstairs bathroom and straightened up the living room, updated my blog and looked at pictures on Facebook. Taelyn finally woke up a little after 9 am. I got her dressed and fed and we headed out the door to join TMOMS (a mom's group that I joined thanks to my dear friend Jessica Hekman) at the Gourmet Pizza Shoppe. I was going east on Yucaipa Blvd and when I passed the Big Cheese I realized that I was going the wrong way. I had to go to Calimesa, NOT Yucaipa. So I turned around and just as I passed 7th street, I saw a truck jump the curb and what looked like to me, hit a boulder that is part of the landscaping in the center divider. As I approached the truck, I saw something that was so unexpected, it chills me to my bones even thinking about it. I saw a mans bloody head wedged under the trucks tire. I was so upset at what I saw, I gagged. I immediately turned around to see if there was anything I could do to help. Thankfully there was a policeman already driving that way and had stopped. He told me to stay in my car and he would come back for my statement.

I was shaking while I watched the driver get out of his vehicle. He was obviously shaken as well. His whole body was quivering and he was crying. He had his dog with him and he was taken to the curb to sit and wait. We watched as the Ambulance and Fire Trucks came. I sat in my car and watched them remove the man from under his truck. The police finally came and took my statement and sent me on my way. I don't know for sure if the man was dead, but I honestly don't see how anyone could survive that. Here I am, almost 4 hours later and I am still seeing flashes of the bloody head pinned under that tire. I have no appetite and am just feeling sick over it. I have gone online looking for any information on the accident, but I have been unsuccessful.

I just know that when I woke up this morning I had NO IDEA what was in store for my day. I feel like I was meant to be there. There were no other witnesses that stayed to make a statement. I am happy in the fact I did what I thought was the right thing to do and there was nothing that I could have done any different. I am thankful for my life and that I was able to witness such a horrifying accident and walk away grateful for my life, because this is proof that tomorrow is just not promised.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day has never really been a big deal to Todd and I, but this year was different. This year we have Taelyn! This little girl will never truly never understand the joy she brings her daddy and me. She really makes everything BETTER!

Our 1st Valentine's Day with our baby was a special one. I didn't know where we were going, or what we were doing, but I got us dress, me in a cute sequence blouse and Taelyn in a little white dress with flowers. We sat in the living room while Todd seemingly prepared sandwiches for a picnic. Well the cute heels I was was gonna wear with my outfit were out of the question when he busted out the picnic basket, that I forgot we even had. It was sunny and looked like it was warm out, so I thought we were dressed appropriately. We got in the car and headed up to Oak Glen. In the car, I looked at the temperature and it said 58 degrees.... It felt way warmer, so I didn't say anything. As we continued to drive, I watched as the temperature dropped. It went from 58 to 55, to 49, to 45, when we got to a beautiful sunny picnic area, the temperature read 40 degrees!!! (gulp) How was I going to tell Todd, there is no way Taelyn and I are getting out of the car in this weather. We weren't dressed for that kind of cold. Thankfully, my husband knows me better than I know myself and said, "Maybe we should find somewhere that is warmer for the baby." "YES!" I nearly shouted. So we ended up at Sylvan park near our house and it was just as beautiful and sunny, but most importantly, WARMER!

We enjoyed our sandwiches and talked and tried our best to keep Taelyn on the blanket. It was such a beautiful day, but because we were sitting in the shade, I still felt like it was too cold for Taelyn, so I changed her out of her cute dress and put her in some jeans and a long sleeved shirt with a "librarian" sweater as Todd likes to call it oh and her Stride Rite sneakers. She is a cutie no matter what she is wearing. (Not biased at all) I'm just glad we had the extra clothes in her diaper bag. I try to be as prepared as possible before leaving the house. After our lunch we took Taelyn to play on the swings and the slide. She seemed to enjoy herself. She was pushing against my hands to make herself go higher, mommy is still scared and doesn't want her to go too high. Daddy who seemed to be fearless pushed her really high! That is when we got the really good smiles, or she was laughing at mommy's horrified face.



Next was the slide. She walked up (with my assistance) and we went down the slide together while Todd waited at the bottom and took pictures of us.

After we left the park, we went to get a few things for Taelyn's birthday party. I am doing a "Candy Land" themed party, Lord help me because I don't have a creative bone in my body and I am making her invitations and her banner for the party. If anyone has any ideas, they are more than welcomed to comment. I can use all the help I can get. We had a great Valentine's Day as a family of three!

10 Years and Still Going Strong!

August 20, 1999. I was a freshman at Howard University. I went to the school clinic for a routine check up. When the doctor on staff asked me if I wanted to have my 1st pap smear done, I gasped. NO WAY!!! He explained to me that ALL women who are 18 and older should get one. So I agreed. Later that very afternoon, I was called back into his office. Strange I thought to myself, I just left there.... could something be wrong? Why the heck would I be called back just hours later? I went back and was "prepped" before entering the office by his nurse. She explained that anything could be raised as concern and that really it is probably nothing to be worried about. So when I finally spoke with the doctor, he told me that my pap was abnormal and that I needed to have more tests ran.... Ummm ok, so after quite a few tests, I was called back in the next day and was informed that I had a rather large tumor growing in my uterus (size of a grapefruit). It was confirmed that it was malignant and needed to be removed right away!

I was 18 at the time and didn't understand the severity. By October, I was back home in San Bernardino, CA. I had had the required surgery to remove the tumor, but the cancer was already there. My mom was taking care of me through the brutal 27 injections required for my chemotherapy treatments that was every other day. I was SICK!!!! Funny because I didn't feel sick at all until I started chemo. I lost almost 50 lbs, not only was I sick, I looked sick.

Chemotherapy was brutal!!! I hated every minute of it. I had to undergo that therapy for 7 long months. It was a glorious day when I was told I could stop that. The next step was radiation. that was a nice break because instead of every other day, I only had to go in once a week... and PRAISE GOD, NO MORE SHOTS!!!!! 27 shots every other day for about 7 months was a little over (ekkkk) 2800 shots!!

Fast forward to January 21, 2001. I was told I was HEALTHY! I needed no more radiation. The cancer was 100% gone and that I could carry on with my life. That was over 10 years ago. I thank God and my family for getting me through that rough time in my life and I am a better person because of it! AMEN

Change Of Perspective

I used to live a VERY unpredictable life as a private investigator. Not that I would want to go back for second, but it was kinda nice not knowing what I was going to do or where I was going to be assigned or what I was going to encounter on said assignment. I have MANY crazy stories about my life as a young woman in the dangerously unpredictable profession I chose. There was one case that I will remember forever. This was the case that changed my outlook on people.

I was 22 when I started investigating. Being the youngest person in my company and one of the few women, I was exposed to many things that I was just unprepared to see. I had a faith in people and society that, looking back, I see I was so very naive. I worked in the field, investigating people who where possibly committing workman comp fraud.

That all being said, I will take you to a case in West Hollywood. The Claimant was a middle aged Caucasian male. I picked him up leaving his upper middle class home. His wife and young daughter walked him to his vehicle and helped him in. He wore a neck brace and used a cane to support his stiff body. He kissed his wife and daughter and got in his car. I followed him to a doctors office and watched cautiously get out of his car, gingerly walk into the office, while I stayed outside and waited patiently for him to leave. When he emerged from the doctors office, he got into his car and I watched him pull of his neck brace and throw the cane in the back seat of the car. Strange, I thought because this man nearly had me fooled. I thought, finally someone who is really genuinely hurt. Not so much.

I followed him to a park where he jumped out of the car and met a woman who was not his wife and then proceeded to have intercourse with her on top of his car!!! I was APPALLED! I couldn't believe my eyes. I felt like I should not be recording such pornography, but my case manager said to continue getting footage. This was the case that made me lose faith in people.... not all people, but people. Here I was thinking that this was a family man, who was really hurt and NOT abusing the system, but boy was I wrong! I was disgusted and the kicker is after turning in the footage and my report, I was REWARDED for my work. I received a bonus. I thought, great work! Uncovering the truth on a fraud, and adulterer and just an awful human being, great work indeed. To be honest I felt horrible. I never approached another case the same way again. Talk about a change of perspective.

No Sick Days

Now that I am a stay at home mom, I have realized that when I am sick, NOTHING gets done! The laundry piles up, breakfast, lunch AND dinner don't get made, toys don't get put away, the floor doesn't get swept, Taelyn doesn't even get dressed for the day. I LOVE my husband, but these are truly things he doesn't even think of doing. I tell him what he needs to do and what needs to get done, and he does them, but not in a way that I want it done. Todd is an amazing provider and a fantastic daddy, but when it comes to housework ummm.... not so much.

Todd did go grocery shopping and buy me soup and medicine to help my healing progress faster, but unless I TELL him what needs to be done, (and how to do it) he would just continue to go on his merry way. The times that I am sick are far and in between, but this last time was a doozey. I couldn't even breathe and every time I even stood up I would get dizzy. My mom came over and took care of me and Taelyn one day and another day I had to call Todd at work and tell him to come home because I couldn't safely care for Taelyn. Talk about feeling like a failure. I am feeling better now, but not 100% yet. I have just learned that I have to do whatever I can to stay healthy because MOMS DON'T GET SICK DAYS!!!!!

I usually keep them in the hampers, but laying it all out puts it into perspective.

Taelyn found her favorite blanket in the pile

Being Productive

Since deciding to stay home to raise my little girl. I have lost, not necessarily a sense of purpose, but I feel more as though I have not been as productive as I am used to. It has really been a hard transition. I have worked my whole life and have always made my own money. I have never been dependent on anyone financially since leaving my parents at 18. I have always made my own way and survived on my own. Now I am still working, but I am now answering to another kind of boss.... her name is TAELYN.

I am solely dependent on my husband financially and that is strange for me. To be completely honest, I hate it. I love staying home with Taelyn and being able to see everything she does and each new milestone that she faces, but I have to say I feel like I should be doing something else. I was not meant to be a stay at home mom. Wow, I feel guilty just typing that, but it is true. I want to go back to work, but I DON'T want to be away from Taelyn. Talk about a Catch 22.

In the recent weeks I have been feeling better about myself and my situation. I have joined a mom's group and after just one meeting I feel a hundred times better about the things I have been struggling with. I know that I am not alone and that someone else has already had the same thoughts am having. I don't feel so horrible as a mommy. I feel less and less guilty about wanting to get out and do things without my baby. I am a firm believer that we must do things alone, away from our babies. It truly makes you a better mommy to them because you learn to appreciate the time you are with them.

I have also started becoming more active in my sorority. I have been in the sorority for many years, but I haven't necessarily been as present as I should or could have been. I am now involved in a numerous committees and I am taking on more responsibilities. It may not seem like much, but those 2 things have really made a difference in me. The bottom line is that I need to BE PRODUCTIVE!!!

Taelyn fell asleep at our Feb. Chapter Meeting

When PINK goes RED...

Everyone who knows me, knows that PINK is my signature color. I have exactly 6 RED articles of clothing to my name. I have a red sweater, a red long sleeved shirt, a red short sleeved shirt, a tank top, red sports bra and cute red heels that I just recently purchased for $8.99 from Ross. I just can't turn away from a great deal, no matter the color. Oh, I do have a few Kansas City Chiefs paraphernalia that Todd has so nicely bought for me. I am not necessarily a fan, but I am a supportive wife. I just don't care for the color. I prefer PINK, and YES a lot of bias comes from being an 11 year member of the first and finest Black Greek Organization Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. I LOVE MY AKA!!!

Today my sorority decided to wear red to help raise awareness for the American Heart Association. So of course Taelyn and I had to participate. We had a Valentine's Day Party with a bunch of great Mommies and their babes this morning and it was fun to do crafts and chat with other moms. We enjoyed ourselves. It is great get out of the house.

Taelyn playing with my discount heels

Taelyn and Mommy wearing RED for The American Heart Association!

Taelyn's Room

Taelyn is 10 1/2 months and was still sleeping in our bedroom in her pack and play, next to our bed. I just have not been able to let go. Her room is ALL the way across the hall from our bedroom so it just seemed soooo far away. I told Todd, my husband that come January we are going to put her in her beautiful nursery, that has been ready for her even before she was born. So January came and went and she was still in our room.

Last night, for the 1st time ever, we put her in her own room to sleep. She went right to sleep at 8 pm just as she always does. She didn't cry or fuss, she is just an angel that way. At 2:24 am, I heard her stirring in her bed, not crying, but moving around, sort of whimpering. (Thank God for video monitors!) I made the motion to get her, and Todd grabbed me and said wait to see what she does. She cried for about 12 minutes and by 2:36 am, she was snuggled with her blankie and sucking her thumb falling back to sleep all on her own. My goodness, do I have a perfect little girl, or what? She is truly AMAZING!!! Even more amazing is she didn't wake up until 7:50 am. She was happy and babbling away in her crib, in her own room. I missed her last night, but I do have to let my baby go, just a little bit. It is really hard for me to have her so far away. I had a rough nights sleep because I was watching her sleep on the monitor. Tonight will be a better night for me, I'm sure :)