Rituals

Last night I had dinner with some new friends I met at TMOMS. While we were getting to know each other, my past was brought up and questions were asked which was my inspiration for this "Rituals" blog...

As I have stated before I am a cancer survivor. Along with having cancer, I was soon after diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, OCD I had a severe case of this disorder. I felt that with the cancer, the ONLY way God would cure me of it, is if I did these ridiculous rituals. I REALLY felt compelled to do these craziest things. In my mind, I new they were crazy, I knew people looked at me like I was crazy, I WAS crazy!!!! I hated my life, I hated being sick, I hated being poked with all the needles, I HATED being BALD AND I HATED being SKINNY (I know, who would hate that? But seriously I looked like a skeleton, it was disgusting).

I fell under many different categories of the disorder:

1) "Doubter and Sinner" I TRULY believed that if I didn't do certain things, God would punish me and kill me.

2) "Checker" I checked and rechecked everything, from my house door, to my car door, to my wallet in my purse, to my keys, to my phone, I had to make sure I had everything, at least 4 times... 4 was my magic number.

3) "Counters and Arrangers" I counted everything, from the beeps on my alarm clock, I couldn't touch it until it beeped 4 times. I tapped the floor 4 times with my right foot, then my left foot even before getting out of bed. I turned the lights on and off 4 times with my right hand and 4 times with my left. Everything had to be equal, everything I touched with my right hand, I had to touch with my left hand, or I couldn't move on to the next task of my day. I tapped the door knob 4 times with my right and then again with my left, you get the picture. It was like this with EVERYTHING!!!! I had it sooooo bad. It would drive everyone around me bananas. Everything was in order from smallest to tallest, labels facing out. Or everything had to be symmetrical. If I was eating something like chips or M&M, I had to arrange them. With chips, I would sort them out by size and put them in separate piles, with M&M's, I would sort them by color. (Honestly I still do that, baby steps)

4) "Washer and Cleaner" I didn't necessarily have to scrub my hands and body until they were raw, but I needed order around me and everything needed to be clean! My room was immaculate. My closet was in order and everything in my room had a place and a label. Why a label? Who knows, my brush was clearly a brush, but I needed a label to say brush" on the back.

My disorder was so severe that I had to seek medical help because it would take me hours to get out of the house. If I didn't, I would go into full anxiety mode. I would have these crazy attacks where I needed oxygen to breathe or I would just pass out. If I didn't get help, I would have ended up in the psych ward at Patton. I was almost 19 when this started and I was cured through therapy and medication at about age 21 right about the same time I was cured of cancer, coincidence? Maybe.

I was cured of OCD in like February or March of 2002, (I don't quite remember the exact date). Then I was thrown a curve ball and I completely struck out. On May 29, 2002, my dad died. My fears were then transferred to my mother. I started the rituals again and in full force! I felt like if I didn't start the rituals back up, then God would punish me and take away my mom, the way he did with my dad. I was SICK! There was nothing that anyone could do ot tell me to make me feel any different. I really, in my mind and in my heart blamed myself for my dad's death. I didn't want the same thing to happen to my mom. Not if I could help it.

This time around, therapy and medication did not work. I had to seek MANY different therapist and I needed my mom to attend with me and they needed to show me that if I didn't do these specific things, she would be just fine. It took almost 3 years before I could get through my day with minimal rituals. I had to slowly eliminate each ritual. It took time and patients. I wouldn't say that I am completely cured, but I am BETTER. I do occasionally catch myself flickering lights, or organizing things, but I am no longer manic about it, so in my mind, I am on the right path. I don't think I will ever be fully cured of this disorder, I am just in control of it now.