Bad Mommy Day

The day after we got back from Alabama, I was overcome with exhaustion and irritation. We got home just after 1am. I didn't get to sleep until after 2am and Trent was awake at 7am. I didn't get much time to recover. I had to take Trent to a doctor appointment at 9am at Loma Linda. I didn't want to reschedule since we waited nearly 2 months to get this appointment, so I soldiered up and got us dressed and out the door. Taelyn stayed home with Todd while we were gone. We got home at about 10:30am and Taelyn was dressed, but her hair was a mess. Todd was dressed for work and as soon as I walked in the door, he set off to leave. I asked him to stay because I felt like I just couldn't handle the kids all by my self for another day. Of course he couldn't, so I had to suck it up and deal with my own issues as well as take care of the kids. The house was clean and put together, thank God, because if it wasn't, that would be another thing that I would have had to deal with and I just don't think that in the state of mind that I was in, I could handle it. Trent was being extra clingy and getting on Taelyn's nerves, they picked today, to be the day that they would start fighting. Trent is crawling now and he is able to get to her toys and she is NOT having it! All day I heard, "No, Baby." "Don't touch, baby." "MINE, baby" Which was followed by Trent crying. She was getting into things, things that would not have usually bothered me, but all of this just accumulated and got under my skin, I began to yell more than I usually do, implement time out, which I don't usually have to do and spank, again something I don't usually have to do. I lost my patience way more than I care to admit and was over the whole day. There was a moment in the day where Taelyn made Trent cry by taking something from him, then hitting him with it, so I took it from her and hit her with it. She didn't like it at all and so I yelled at her and told her that is how brother feels when you do that to him, then she started crying, I truly scared her, she looked at me with fear in her eyes and ran away from me. Then I started crying. I NEVER want my daughter to look at me with those frightened eyes again. It was the worst feeling ever. This is bad parenting at its finest, people. I felt just so tired and overwhelmed and then guilty for my behavior. I spanked and yelled out of anger. I had to put myself on time out to gain some perspective. By this time it was nap time and I put Taelyn and Trent to bed. I walked into my bathroom and saw this:

I nearly had a heart attack! I had not gotten around to unpacking, but when I left in the morning, I know the suitcase did NOT look like this, I don't know if it was Todd, Taelyn or even Trent that got into the suitcase and did this, but this was the last straw! I lost it, I started crying uncontrollably while I threw the clothes into closet, sorting out mine, Taelyn and Trent's clothes, what was clean and what was dirty and putting everything in their place. There is no way I could have even try and function with that looking like that. After that minor breakdown and the unpacking was done, I turned off all of the phones and crawled into bed. The kids slept for about 2 1/2 hours while I got about an hour and a half of sleep. That was so needed. Although, it seemed like it was all in vain. The moment the kids woke up, it started all over again. The bickering, the taking of the toys and the crying and whining. I had about enough, I took the kids over to Adam and Alisia's house so that I could get a break and completely unload on someone. Thank God for Alisia, she was just the listening ear I needed. I felt so much better that the kids were occupied and not fighting with each other and I was occupied and I had a chance to get out of my own head. Todd even came home early with my favorite food from Rosa Maria's. I am totally not proud of my behavior and the way I treated my precious babies, but I certainly take it as a lesson. I can't do everything by myself and when I do get too overwhelmed, I have to ask for help. It was a rough day, and I am glad I am able to put it in the past and look back on it and take the lesson from it. Everyone has days like that and I'm sure I will again, I just know to be better the next time.