My History... Part 1 (LONG Post)

This is a letter that I wrote on November 22, 2008. I sent it to everyone in my address book. I was pregnant with Trent (my 3rd failed pregnancy.) For some odd reason, I revisited this email and it made me VERY sad, and happy all at the same time. Sad because I was so optimistic about my pregnancy despite my horrible history and happy because I have come so far. I just wanted to add this to my blog so that when I do have a printed book of my year, Taelyn and whoever can go back and see the struggles I had to overcome to be a mother.

November 22, 2008
My True Test of Faith

Hi everyone,

As most of you all know, I am a pregnant. Being pregnant has caused me to be unable to sleep and laying in bed I was just thinking about my life and how things have seemed to have pan out. For you all to truly understand, I have to start from the beginning. Growing up I was a very healthy child. Rarely sick other than the chicken pox, which most children went through and the common cold and allergies.

When I was 18, just graduating, I was Howard bound. I was there only for a short period of time. I went to the Dr. for a regular check up, and while I was there, I got my 1st pap smear. It came back abnormal. After a few test were ran, I was informed that I had a malignant tumor growing in my uterus. Being that I was 18 and knew nothing about it, I naively said, "take it out!" Little did I know this experience was a life changing one. The Doctor gave me a few options, one was to remove my uterus completely, and to me, that was NOT an option. Even though I certainly didn't want kids at the time, I did NOT want that to never be an option to me. So we decided on "experimental laser surgery" They removed the tumor vaginally with a laser. No scars, the tumor was gone, I was cool.... So I thought. Soon after the surgery they realized cancer was still left behind. I needed to start Chemo Therapy ASAP. So reluctantly I left Howard on a visit home, never to return. I stayed home, made the decision to not tell my family and began therapy back in California, no longer interested in school. What was the point? I was going to die anyway. On October 15, 1999, I underwent my 1st chemo session... it was a series of 27 shots. It was AWFUL!!!!! And that seems to be an understatement. I was so sick, I went home and crashed. That same night, we had a big earthquake, the 1st big one I ever felt, and I remember lying in bed thinking "God, why are you doing this to me? I have ALWAYS been a good kid, I don't deserve this!!!" I was ANGRY, angry with my life, angry with God, like somehow I was being punished for something I did a previous life because up to this point, I thought I was great!

Well, after that night, I decided to continue on with my life as someone who has given up and didn't care. I was not is school, I wasn't working, and my body was rejecting the chemo. I was so sick all the time I began losing weight, and the worse part, MY HAIR. I think at my lowest weight, I was a mere 70 pounds. That was nearly 45 pounds lighter than my normal 115 pound frame. It was undeniable, I was SICK... I felt it, I looked it, I lived it. At this point, my loved ones didn't know what was going on with me, so one day my mom approached me and asked me if I had some sort of eating disorder because that was all the craze at that time. I finally fessed up to what was really going on with me, and she scolded me at 1st, was mad at me for not telling her what was going on with me. She was my mother and she should be the person who I should be able to tell everything to. That was the exact reason I didn't want her to know because I know she loves me and I didn't want her to try to take care of me and baby me the way she has always done. Worst... I didn't want her to WORRY!

To my surprise, she did just the opposite. She made me get off my ass, enrolled me in school and basically told me to get over myself and stop feeling sorry for myself. She got me a tryout with the cheer squad at Cal State (exactly where I did not want to go) and we started moving forward. Somehow, it seems, when I began to be productive, the chemo started working. In April of 2000, I stopped Chemo after 7 months and began radiation. I was on radiation for nearly 2 years when they told me my cancer was completely gone! In January 2002, I was completely cancer free! I could move on with my life as a "Cancer Survivor"

By this point, I was a Junior in college, a cheerleader, in the finest Sorority, and working at the casino. Things were looking up! Then lightening struck me again. I noticed that during my menstruation my blood was black... that not being normal, I went to the doctor and they said that my blood was contaminated and that every menstrual cycle, my blood was being collected in my uterus and that I needed to be on dialysis to decontaminate my blood. I did this every 2 weeks for 2 years. Trying to be positive, I continued on with my life... I graduated college. The same month I graduated, I was pregnant, and had a miscarriage at 10 weeks, 1 week after I found out. Though I was devastated, life went on... I went through a few careers until I settled into being a private investigator. October 4, 2003, Escrow closed on my 1st house with the help of my wonderful brother. This was the same day that the Del Rosa fires started. Why is it that when something good happens to me, there seems to be some sort of natural disaster to bring me back down? Is God trying to tell me something?

I was loving my life of independence, I had my career, my house, my family and friends, things were good. As in investigator, I was very successful, I was promoted 2 months in, I was making more money then I had ever seen in 23 years of age, things were good! Being an investigator, I was exposed to things that I normally wouldn't see. I was young going into it, the youngest in the company in fact. The things I was seeing, I didn't like. It was beginning to ware on me. I began to get tired of the job. I lost a faith in people after seeing pretty much, the scum of the Earth. There were cases that I had that still haunt me to this day. One in particular was life changing.

I was on the case for 5 days in Santa Barbara. I stayed in a hotel. Because I was so far from home, I brought my baby Tyson. The Claimant was truly a nut case. Paranoid Schizophrenic. They sent out 7 investigators before me and they couldn't even get 2 minutes of video out of him. After 3 days, I had nearly 14 hours. On the 3rd day of investigation, he approached me. According to our rules, if you are EVER approached my a Claimant, you are done, the case is over pack up and leave. So being the good soldier I was, I called my case manager, and informed her of the incident, and she instructed me to stay on the case. She said I was doing great work and with my cover story, the Claimant was non the wiser. So I did. On my 5th and last day, the Claimant attacked me with a bat. Hitting me several times. To say the least, I quit after that case. That was when the headaches started. I was unemployed for the 1st time in my adult life and scared. My mom being the ever encouraging one gave me the number of an old supervisor that I had when I was working in the casino, Todd DiMillo. I called him and soon after I was back in the casino business. Huge pay cut, but hey, I was working again and being productive.

Little did I know going back to good old San Manuel would have brought me the greatest love I have ever known. The number my mom gave me was the number to my future husband. Soon into our relationship, I realized that the minor headaches I was having were getting more and more intense with ever one. Todd suggested I go to the doctor and just see what could be done to prevent them.

Lightening struck a 3rd time... Seriously? During an MRI, they found a blood clot behind my frontal lobe. I could NOT believe this is happening to me again!!!! Luckily this time all I had to do was take a pill. I was on a blood thinner for a few months in order to dissolve the clot. It worked and I was good as new again. No more migraines I could move on. I started Dealer school and became a dealer and Todd had become a manager. Things with our relationship couldn't have been better.

Moving forward, on March 15, 2008, we got married. In June, Friday the 13th to be exact, we found out we were pregnant! Over joyed with excitement, we told all of our family and friends. Both knowing what happened the last time, we tried our best to be cautious. On a trip to Alabama to visit Todd's mom, I started spotting on the plane. It continued for most of the trip. When we came home I immediately went to the doctor and what we already thought was confirmed. We lost the baby. I was probably 7 to 8 weeks pregnant. Again, extremely devastated more so this time than the last, life must and will always go on.

In August, I was feeling ill, tired and just not myself, my friend Kellina suggested that I may be pregnant again. I thought, no way! I just had a miscarriage a month ago. Not possible! Well, she forced me to take an at home pregnancy test and to her delight, she was right. How could this be? Well, this time, Todd and I decided not to tell ANYONE until we were past our 1st trimester and we knew I was out of the woods. At 11 weeks, we had a sonogram and saw our little baby and heard his little heart beating and that is when I felt in my heart that things this time would be different. We began telling everyone! That that takes us to the present....

I went to the doctor on Thursday to find out that I am having complications. Really not much of a surprise with my history. He said that I have low blood pressure, severe asthma, enlarged thyroids and 4 lumps in the back of my throat. I have an ultrasound to confirm all of these diagnosis' on Monday, but I can't help but to think the worse. I was taken off of work, so now I am left with nothing to do but think about what is going on with me. I might be jumping the gun here, but I just want everyone who knows me to really pray for me and my baby. I know I wrote this long drawn out story of my life, but I just wanted everyone to understand how severe and how scared and stressed out I am and any words of encouragement or well wishes are greatly appreciated and accepted.

Love to All,

~TERESA DIMILLO

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The Followup to this email was another email telling everyone about the loss of our baby boy, Trent. I will blog about that another day, I feel quite emotionally drained right now.