Venting...

I just want to make clear before I start, I LOVE MY KIDS, but seriously, I think it is completely unhealthy to me to be with them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I am completely thankful that I am afforded the opportunity to stay at home with them. I LOVE the fact I am raising them the way I WANT and the way I see FIT. I take full advantage of the time I have with them. I am attentive to their every want and need. I play with them. I teach them, I turn everything into a lesson. I expose them to different experiences, I give them choices and options, I give them freedom, I discipline them when needed, I teach them manners. Trying to raise amazing adults is HARD! It stresses me out. I am constantly second guessing myself: Am I doing the right things? Are they learning to their potential? Am I being too strict? Am I being too laid back? What is the best methods to raise good people? Do they feel loved? Do they KNOW how much I love them? Did I show it? Did I kiss them enough today? Did I smother them? I am really and truly doing my best, and is my best good enough? I have stepped out of my comfort zone on many occasions, I do things that don't interest me in the least, just so I can give them the experiences and memories. I want to be a fun mom, I want them to know that they can come to me ALWAYS and I will do any and everything for them, but with that being said.... I NEED A BREAK!!!

I LIVE FOR MY KIDS, but in that, I feel like I have lost myself. Who am I? Sometimes, I don't even recognize myself in the mirror, I wake up and wonder is this my life? How did I get here? If I am not a mom or a wife, then who am I? I am seriously with my kids every second of the day. Even during nap time, I am watching them through a monitor. I am terrified something may happen to them if I am not around or paying attention. I know these are irrational thoughts, but I can't shake it. I say I want a break and I want to go out without them, but when I am away from them, I am worried and thinking about being with them. I leave them, of course, but never for long. The only time I leave them on a consistent basis is once a month when I get my hair done. That is for 2-3 hours and they stay with my mom. I wish I could leave them with my mom for longer, but she is not that kind of grandmother. She wants to see them EVERYDAY, but after an hour or2, she is over it. I don't have a constant babysitter, my sweet Sorority Sister Gerri watches them if and when Todd and I want to get away together, but that is the extent of my babysitting options.

If I go out alone, Todd will take care of them, which he should, he is their daddy, but because Trent is still nursed, it makes it hard. He makes me feel guilty about leaving them and then I feel resentment towards him. I don't want to go out often, but when I do, it feels like a huge hassle, so I don't. I don't go anywhere my kids can't go and sometimes, I just choose not to go because it is WORK getting two kids in and out of the car. Then when I am there, I can't sit and relax and enjoy myself because I am caring for my children.

I have asked for help numerous amounts of times from Todd, my mom, and my niece Maila, but then I feel guilty. My mom always reminds me that this is the life I wanted and it is no one else's responsibility to care for my kids but mine and Todd's. Maila is busy helping my brother with his kids and when it comes to Todd watching his own kids, he makes it seem like a hassle, not always, but most of the time. Don't get me wrong, Todd is an AMAZING daddy he would do anything for his kids. These are strictly MY feelings and my perception towards the situation. Todd has yet to take both kids anywhere by himself. If I go somewhere and leave the kids with him, they stay at home. I don't want that for my kids, so I take the back seat and do things with them. I am by no means unhappy with my life or my kids, or Todd for that matter, I am just venting. I write this blog mostly for myself so I can remember what is going on in my life and so my kids can look back on what their lives were shaped out of. I am just venting, I already feel much better. Seriously, my kids are amazing, I just look in their faces and feel validation. They have brought me more joy than I have ever known possible. This is just a season and it too shall pass.

I end this post with a picture of my sillies, my loves, my life! My kids :)